In the features of your face, I see my home…

Friendship Cemetery, Columbus, MS

This is a hollow time,

full of shadows and upward inflections,

new directions, and unlevel ground.

Here there are distorted dreams that just won’t die.

This is a hard place.

Changes come in waves

that wander once through my

mind before washing out again.

Here there is fire that

forces me to either burn or burn up.

It’s only ashes or flames; there is no middle ground.

Only sand or stone.

Here, in the shadow of Your wings,     

You show me Your face and I

realize that I’ve become much

too comfortable with mine.

This is an empty space that

I must fill; but, with my will,

I would bring ruin.

Here, in the palm of your

hand, I stand. A daughter

of Eve deceived by promises of plenty

from a world whose worthless words

now lie rotting in my stomach.

This is holy ground, and

whether I fall down or don’t

determines more than just

my destiny.

This is no light thing—to

wade through my thoughts

and examine my example, my motives

myself.

It is no easy task to ask You

to identify my idols so that

we can cast them down,

but here, in the shadow of Your

wings I bring all things that

are not stone to be burnt up by fire.

My foundation will be firm and

I am assured that You do not

acquaint Yourself with condemnation.

This is a healing place.

In the features of Your

face I see my home and

remember what I had forgotten:

Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the Spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? [James 4:5, ESV]

Things no one tells you about

Blogging. It’s a little like life…minus parents. You kind of have to figure things out on your own. Minimal guidance, a few tips here and there, but mostly just trial and error. It’s like the nerd’s equivalent of bungee jumping. Ok, it’s not really that big of a deal. Anyway, here are some things I’ve learned thus far, and some things I’m still not sure about.

• It’s probably a good idea to credit your photos if they’re not your own. After 7 years of citing sources, you’d think I’d kind of catch on. I guess I just got so wrapped up in enjoying writing for myself that I forgot to incorporate that little golden nugget of information from my formal education into my personal life. I’ll do better from now on. Promise. 
• After you’ve previewed, published,and read your post 3 times, you’ve probably still got at least one sneaky typo eluding correction. I’m a stickler about grammar and spelling, but I’m also a “big picture” person. I overlook the details sometimes in order to focus more on the general “feel” or aesthetic quality of something. I don’t like typos, but I’ve found that I inevitably make them and overlook them. A lot
• Is there blog etiquette? I feel like there’s this whole world of unwritten rules that I can’t find. And if I do something wrong…SHuuuuuuuuuun! I can handle the shunning, but I do like to try and make nice when I’m in a new place…er, space. Whatever…
• Do people really read blogs? That’s probably the dud question, but I’ve just been wondering. Maybe I just haven’t searched around enough to find one that really holds my interest. I’m a little leery about finding things that I love on the internet (Pinterest, Etsy, etc.) because I don’t want to live in front of my computer. I’ll probably just have to get over that irrational fear and try searching for a few topics I’m interested in. 
• What’s all this business about linking to other posts in my post? Is that cool? I feel like that’s probably somewhere in the “Big Book of Blogging” that I haven’t found yet. I’m such a novice. Gotta start somewhere.
• Do I really have to have a theme? I’m pretty sure it would have to be “Random.” Or maybe I should just make 5 or 6 different blogs to encompass everything I’d like to write about…
• Would it be rude for me to scream (politely) at my friends until they read my blog and created blogs of their own? No? Wonderful! 

Well, I’m extremely exhausted, so I think I’ll retire now. I might do a part two when I’m a bit more coherent. 

Adios!

I’m too tired for clever titles. It’s past my modified, summer bedtime.

Well, crap. There are some things that I just don’t understand. What’s more, there’s no guarantee that I’ll ever understand them. That sort of grinds my gears. (I’m listening to Sarah McMillan while The Hurt Locker plays in the background. Can’t handle the language, but the movie’s pretty riveting. Might have left me feeling a little angsty. Meh, I need a good excuse for a new post. I’m a little over due.)

Anyways…I thought I was doing a little better with the unknown. For the most part I am. I think I just try not to think about it too much (some folks might call that repression). One day at a time. But some things just completely unsettle me. Must maintain peace. Whew, but sometimes it’s hard. I think we all have good days and bad days. That’s pretty normal…but I think things should get continuously more even. We should be able to acknowledge things that upset us or make us uncomfortable, but eventually we should have peace no matter what. Workin’ on that.

Sometimes we can’t control things. I like to control things. I’m pretty quiet now, but I was a raucous two year old with a pretty solid bratty streak. I enjoyed getting my own way…and usually expected to (I was slightly spoiled. 🙂 It was my family’s fault). Sometimes I regress, generally just internally…for a few seconds. Nothing major.  But, for the most part, I grew up. And as I grew up, there were more unknowns and more times that my way wasn’t always the best way. Thank goodness that we grow up—that we mature and learn to listen (hopefully). It is sad that we have to lose our innocence though. I need to do a better job about guarding my heart sometimes. I digress…

I would like answers…but I don’t think it’s time for me to have those answers. The answers I’d like pertain to my future, my career, aspects of my family relationships and friendships, my purpose. If you remember the MASH game, it’s basically all those questions plus a few more. BUT I don’t have to know the answers right now. Two-year-old Kassie is no longer in control, and I don’t have to have my way all the time. So *takes a deep breath,* I don’t need the answers to my big questions right now…or my little questions. Unknowns are ok. I mean, do we really have a choice? You could try tarot cards, fortune tellers, (MASH…now that I think about it.), or some other futile way of discerning your “future.” But I think they’re worthless. And that you shouldn’t…just in case anyone thought that I was making a legitimate suggestion. That stuff will make you poor, and potentially mess you up. So…

Where will my answers come from…when they come?

God. Just God. In his perfect time, in his perfect way. I’m not necessarily expecting him to audibly tell me to marry the boy that sings at the giant Pentecostal church in NOLA (my grandmother’s suggestion), or that I’m supposed to pack up my belongings and move to Ireland to counsel the entire population of Belfast. God could have those things in store for me, but I think the boy in NOLA is spoken for…at least, that’s what I’m telling my grandmother.

I think that God speaks to us daily—through his perfect Word and through other people. Even through nature. Through music. You just gotta make sure it’s God (or God through people/whatever) you’re hearing from and not other things (yourself, spirits, people’s opinions). Sometimes we’re not quiet enough to hear him. Sometimes we’re just not paying attention. Sometimes we hear everything but him. He speaks to us when we have a  relationship with him. His children know his voice, but we have to listen and focus in on it to be able to distinguish it from other voices (our own, society, etc.).

So…I’m not perfect. Sometimes I try to be, but God quickly reminds me that that’s dumb…and I’ll never make it. He usually says it nicer…like 1 John 1:8— If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. Not perfect, but I am trying to walk with God…and talk with him. And know him more. The more I see who he is, the more I want to know him. The more I know, the more I love. That love then transfers to myself and others. Anyway…I’m walking with God, so I know that he won’t let me stumble. He directs my steps if I listen and obey when I hear his voice. BUT even if I mess up and don’t obey, he can still get me back on track. There may be consequences for my little detour. It might take me a little longer to reach certain destinations, but I’ll get there eventually.

 

Therefore, I’m starting to see the benefit in putting a little less energy into trying to figure out a future that’s not up to me to figure out, and focusing more on walking with God. Every day. Every moment. Making sure to look for him in every person I come into contact with. I am so glad he’s made this so fool-proof (that’d be the mercy bit). It’s time that I actually start (fully) believing myself when I say “it’s all gonna work out.” Not because I said so, but because God says so:  For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. 2 Tim 1:7 (AMP)

 

When in doubt, write it out: Intuition and its shortcomings.

Convoluted contrivings of misguided countenances contributed to my misunderstanding of the molecular meanings that were wrapped up tightly in your measured words. Yay consonance! (In less fluffy terms: In my opinion, the emotion on your face and the words coming out of your mouth didn’t match up.) This is something that counselors look for in clients who are dodging certain issues, but we “normal” people do it every day too. Anyways, I’m not sure if I have an actual purpose in writing at this moment. But does writing always have to have a purpose?

Sometimes the purpose comes out after you slap a few words down. I’ve started several journal entries with “I don’t know what to write…” or “Blah, blah, blah.” Usually I’m pretty frustrated and can’t think straight when I start off that way. Getting my thoughts on paper usually remedies that though, and even if it doesn’t help me figure my thoughts out, the mini catharsis helps a little.

When I’m a counselor (IF I’m a counselor), I think I’ll have all my clients keep a journal. It’s a great way to mark personal progress once you get the hang of it and stop lying to yourself…I mean, start recognizing your defense mechanisms and actually dealing with stuff rather than shoveling problems into your subconsciousness.

But dealing with stuff takes so. much. energy. Being counseled is tough work, if you’re in it to win it (why am I using so many annoyingly catchy phrases tonight? Aka idioms…had to look that up. Ashamed, but not really). But being a counselor (by nature, not just by title) is tough too. Always thinking. Always wondering. Always looking for the hidden messages inside people’s actions and words (I may be giving too much of myself away here). That probably sounds like a slight case of paranoia. Not necessarily so. I just like to read people—not to hurt or harm, usually just to help. But you can’t give help to those that don’t want it or aren’t ready for it. I have to remind myself of that sometimes.

I also have to remind myself that not everyone thinks like I do. Not everyone listens to what’s not said. I don’t all the time… Sometimes I just sense it. I guess you could call it a type of discernment, in spiritual terms. And I’m definitely NOT right all the time (thank goodness). I’m pretty sure that this search for the truth in people is/will be a blessing to me as I grow in my faith and in my career. But it can definitely drive a person crazy if it’s not balanced.

Ah, balance. The key to enjoying life. Workin’ on that. Balance takes time, and I’m pretty sure that it goes hand in hand with discipline, which I’m also working on. I feel like it might take me the rest of my life to get it at this rate though.

I’m working on balancing and testing my intuitions. Sometimes they’re right; sometimes there wrong. Usually the best thing to do, I’ve found, is to sit on them for a little while and see if they keep coming up or if I find further evidences,then decide on a course of action or inaction. Not sure why I sound so…scientific? I’m really not. I like to think I am sometimes…but it’s really just dabbling.

Welp, this article (link below) is pretty much exactly what I’m talking about…but the site comes off as somewhat manipulative. Things that we do naturally can be taken a little too far. It’s knowing when to stop so that you’re actually benefiting the person you’re communicating with/reading. The goal is to help, not to harm others or yourself. We’ve all got our own sacred space. No one sees into our minds completely except God. No one can utterly invade our privacy. (I’ll always be safe inside my mind…*twitches somewhat violently*) Definitely an interesting article though.

http://www.towerofpower.com.au/dirty-tricks-of-psychology-for-mind-reading-and-the-roots-of-empathy

It is interesting to see just how much psychology, body language, and words influence relationships…especially in business, politics, and other high-stake, power-driven interactions. Body language is the same way though. You can speculate, and maybe get a pretty good indication about a person’s emotional state, but there’s no guarantee that you’ve got the winning ticket (no more, I promise). And this site freaks me out a little bit because the logo reminds of the Tower of Babel. Just sayin’. Take the information with a grain of salt (dang it!)

So…here’s the moral of this rather lengthy post: Intuition is good, but it isn’t always guaranteed to be right. Trust God more than you do yourself (and others) and learn to recognize the Holy Spirit’s voice (by having a relationship with God through studying his word and through prayer). Use your skills to build others up, not to tear them down or advance yourself. Let God advance you. He’s more than capable. If you’re pretty sure about your observations, pray about them and ask God for some confirmation. Finally, trust him to work in you and through you. He can cover over your mistakes when you make them.

I’m going to try to take things at face value a little more often—keeping my intuition handy, but in its holster rather than constantly drawn.

Oh Father, help me take my words and apply them to my own interactions daily.

In the words of one of my professors, “counselor, counsel thyself.”

Standin’ on the edge, arms open wide and toes hangin’ off.

Well, it’s not everyday that you get to hang your toes off a cliff…unless you live on a cliff and like to do that kind of thing. Whatever. But it’s not every day that you get to jump off of a cliff (even if you lived on a cliff, you could only do that once…assuming there’s no water at the bottom). BUT…

What if someone asked you to? What if someone asked you to jump off of a cliff when you couldn’t even see what you were jumping into or onto? “Pfffttt! Riiiight. Let’s not and say we did,” or something like that would probably be your answer. Common sense. I’d say the same thing. But what if someone asked you to jump off of a cliff and told you that it would be worth it? It wouldn’t just be worth it; it would drastically change your life for the better. You would feel more alive, be smarter, (insert benefit),  be more passionate, and play backgammon (I don’t even completely know what that is) better than you ever had before you jumped.

Maybe you’re starting to think, “So what’s the point of these unrealistic, but clever questions?”  🙂

My point is that maybe these questions aren’t so unrealistic.

___________________________

Think of something in your life that scared you to death (obviously not quite) at one time.

Middle school o_O, learning to drive, losing people I love, going to college, and grad school are some examples from my life.

At some point in your life, something’s probably caused you to feel legitimate fear. Maybe it felt even worse because you had to deal with that fear alone. But you probably had to face it anyway.

We have to get past the things that make us afraid in life so that we can keep living. We deal with change, adapt to the situation, and usually survive in order do it all over again the next time. Hopefully, we’re able to see the benefits of changing and appreciate our growth, even if it was painful for a little while.

So, back to the cliff. Jumping would be scary. Jumping would be counter-intuitive. Jumping could be life-altering.  It would require a lot of courage. You’d have to seriously believe the person telling you that it’s worth it.

In reality, we kind of jump off cliffs all the time. We take chances on things that we don’t know the outcome of. I gave a few examples from my own life. I could have been traumatized by middle school (more than I was), or not gotten into college. I haven’t been accepted  into grad school yet, so there’s a possibility that I might not get to go.

But we still take those chances, hanging onto the fact that tackling the things that unnerve us won’t completely break us if they don’t turn out the way we want them to. If I don’t get into my top school, or if I don’t get in at all, I’ll probably be upset; but, the chances of me being eternally devastated are pretty slim. I have to trust that whatever happens, it’ll all work out and that there’s some other, more fulfilling opportunity waiting for me in the future.

We take chances and hope for the best, even when we’re not sure what that is. We start off taking a chance on our parents, hoping that they take care of us until we’re old enough to be somewhat self-sufficient. We trust our true friends to love and support us. We trust the fashion industry to tell us how not to look like last April. We trust doctors to tell us the best way to take care of ourselves. We trust construction workers to build safe structures. Most of the time, we trust the ground beneath our feet to support us so we don’t sink. We trust the things that we don’t understand completely to the experts. We consider their opinions, and if they’re legit experts, we generally take their advice.

We’ll jump off of “cliffs” to feel loved and accepted, and to have better health, better taste, and sturdy homes. But what if the things and people we put our trust in fail us? What if they leave us or hurt us? What if it was cancer? What if we wear magenta instead of fuschia!? What if there’s an earthquake. Our perception changes. We re-evaluate where we put our trust. We check our sources (and make sure that they’re in APA style!).

I guess my real point (in question form) is this: Why are we willing to trust people and industries and associations, but so unwilling to trust God. I’m talking about myself here too. Not saying that we shouldn’t put our trust in those things, but shouldn’t we be willing to trust God even more?

Maybe it’s harder because he asks us to trust him without our being able to see him, or see what he’s got planned for the future. He’s asking us to trust him, a being that we can’t “see,” with things that we look at every day. He wants our hopes and fears, the people we love, our health, our happiness, our finances, our dreams, and our futures. He wants us to trust him with our lives—to trust that He can and will care for us and keep us safe, give us what we need, and walk with us through everything we have to face.

He wants us to jump. To step off into what we don’t know and walk by faith, not by sight, into his arms. He’s just a little further out than our arms can reach while we’re standing on the edge, but as we step off and begin to walk, he’s there to meet us and keep us from falling. We still might not be able to see where we’re going or how we’re getting there, but it really doesn’t matter when the God of the entire universe is calling your name, encouraging you to keep following his voice. He promises to work all things together for good for the people who love him. Jesus says that if we love him, we will obey his commands (John 14:15). Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to trust him with all our heart, not our own understanding. If we submit to him in all aspects and areas of our lives, then he will make our paths straight. He will take care of us. So why would we ever doubt him?

Thankfully he’s patient (1 Timothy 1:16). We learn to trust. We don’t just immediately know how. When we’re babies we freak out when our parents try to walk out of the room because we think they’re going to abandon us (Erikson: Basic Trust vs. Mistrust). Trust develops from having a relationship with someone. Relationships develop over time. They require work. Work’s not always easy.

When people we care about don’t confide in us or trust us with certain things, it hurts. God was a person. He knows that hurt too.

So, how can we trust God more? What are some things we can let go of so that he can make them better? How can we show God that we trust him? How can we get to a place where we surrender our fears and doubts so that we can jump?

I haven’t stood on any cliffs recently, but I was standing on a step this afternoon in a chapel. There are things in my life that I don’t understand—things I can’t see clearly. While I was on that step, all I knew was I had to get off of it to get to where I wanted and needed to be (outside). God asks us to walk to him—to meet him. He wants us to trust him. When we walk by faith, we should walk with a purpose. God doesn’t just let us amble. He’s got us walking right where we are at a specific pace for a reason. Eventually, we’ll understand. In the meantime, we trust.

Tomorrow I’ll be studying for exams. All. Day.

People tell me that it’s finally ok to be a nerd in college. I’ve been honing my skills since 8th grade. I knew there would be a pay-off one day…

I’ve been putting this off for the longest. Not really sure why. Maybe it’s because I’m a little old fashioned and like the way a pen feels in my hand. But this is growing on me.

Welcome to my blog. I’m not completely sure what it’s about yet, but the powers that be tell me that I should have some sort of theme. For now I’ll just say that I’d like to go in a deeper direction. Discussing things I care about, hashing out concepts I don’t quite understand, asking questions, and occasionally utilizing my often-checked sarcasm. I’m funnier on paper. Seriously. Oh, and I’m all about some stream of consciousness writing.

I like to make people think. Sometimes people don’t like to think. That’s ok. We all need moments to be mindless. I usually spend mine finding Youtube videos that have 47 views, then asking myself why I wasted 3 minutes of my life watching people jump off of things (even if they were really tall things). Occasionally I take my mindless moments in class…

Anyway, I’d like for this blog to make people think…and to possibly make me look at things in a different light. Sometimes writing your thoughts down helps you sort through all the crazy.

Sometimes I’ve got a lot of crazy to sort through, sometimes just a little…so my posts will probably vary in length. If you’re interested in knowing a little more you can check out my “Foundations” page.

I like lists…so I’ll make one now.

Things I might write about one day:

• gangs
• poetry
• music
• personality
• Ireland
• grad school/seminary/plan B (become a pirate)
• books and things I read
• society/the media
• the color blue
• the color green
• health
• being content
• trust
• love
• cockroaches/spiders
• children
• Dilbert (the only comic I make an actual effort to read…occasionally)
• ridiculous things that happen to me (perfectly timed clothing malfunctions are my current specialty)
• sometimes I’m random…don’t try to connect any of these things. Besides, I would never imply that children are anything like Dilbert. That would be terrible.

Ok, that’s all. Thanks for reading.

~May the road rise up to meet you. May the something be always wind! at your back…Something…words, words. You can google the rest.

Toodles!